[It's back to writing, after quite a hiatus. This is an obsolete blog, but I write to record these thoughts for myself. If someone by any chance reads this, it's my prayer that the words will bless your life in a small way.]
Learning the truth about people, and being true.
When it comes to people, perhaps there are 2 extremes, being a cynical person and standing on the other side of the fence and being as idealistic as you can get. Often the latter is more difficult to keep up with, but the former drives people away from yourself, so a balance has to be struck. A hopeful cynic, anyone?
It never struck me that as a 22-year-old I would finally accept that "friends" are not who you make them out to be. I've always had a romantic notion about "friendship" and how it will last till the end of time. A fellow friend's recent blog post just confirmed that losing a friend is worse than losing a lover, as well.
But after some incidents and my own ruminations, I decided that it's time to face up to reality. The reality is, in Shakespeare's words, that "most friendship is feigning"- As you like it, II-7. It's difficult to find a true friend. By definition, it would be someone who understands who you are (so this connotes that you have to be honest), accepts you for who you are, and will love and support you even though you make mistakes. And on the receiving end, the other side of the coin, a friend is someone who expects the same out of you. So mutual understanding, acceptance, love, support and forgiveness is key.
There are friendships by degrees. First acquaintances, then friends, good friends, bosom buddies, and soulmates. It is usually a progression, but with a lack of upkeep, it can result in a regressive process, where you find yourself staring into the face of an acquaintance wondering where the person you once knew has gone, now that you cannot talk at the same level anymore.
To be honest, friendship (barring acquaintances) is not just about laughter, sharing gossip over coffee, and common interests. It is deeper than that. To me, friendship must be grounded in honesty and mutual trust. This means that when there is a time for rebuking or constructively criticizing the other in the friendship, it must be done in the spirit of honesty, and for the good of the other person.
Even in the barest of bare friendships there must be this level of trust, if not, I would term the friendship just one in form, and only a farce. How can we as imperfect beings in our interactions, try to cajole the other and be on his "good" side while letting the negativity fester in his life? As a loving friend, leaving another to his own destructive behaviour is a most unbecoming act.
Imagine a scenario with Winnie the Pooh and Piglet. Pooh is constantly getting his head stuck in the honey pot, for that's the way he likes to eat his honey to the final drop-with much relish, but often without forethinking the consequences. He repeats this action several times because he is a forgetful bear, each time getting his head stuck in the pot. Piglet needs to remind him of his foolishness time and again, perhaps to use a spoon before he starts to stick his whole head in the honey pot.
I guess we try to be "nice" in a friendship because we don't want to lose the favour of someone, or be cast aside because we offend people too much. We try to be who we think the other person wants us to be, but in the end, the genuine friendships that stand the test of time and change will not be the "feel-good" friendships, but the friendships which have undergone a variety of assuages- from quarrels, to criticisms, to rebukes, but not for the purpose of imposing self, and in the name of sacrificial love.
But coming back to my original point, I'm a hopeful cynic, acknowledging the weaknesses of humans but recognising that we have the capacity to love selflessly. So in a sense, my starting point is cynical (total depravity) but my end point is hopeful (we can be something else other than what our evil human nature tells us to be). So what does that make me? A confused individual, you may say. I'm a realist in cynical shoes looking on an idealistic and expected end. In essence, I try to balance all views so as not to swing from one extreme to another. I think that most of us are like this, for that's how we can function with some normalcy.
And I think that the "self" always gets in the way with our friendships. We make friends to make ourselves feel too good (not entirely wrong, but wrong when this becomes the main motive). I've seen some of these attitudes in myself. We want to feel like we're worth something, so we hang out with people that make us feel like we're worth something so much that our identity becomes entrenched in what our friends think of us. That should not be the way for we'll always get disappointed and become more selfish in our outlook. Rather, we should put aside the "self", and think of how we may bless others more- and through this mindset, we'll find that we enjoy our friendships so much more. When these insecurities fade, we'll be freeer to be who we are and more genuine. (:
My last word on this is the hope that God will help us. We're broken men and women, traipsing in and out of friendships saying the wrong things and manipulating others, or pressurizing them to be people that they are not. There are unspoken rules that cannot be broken and lines that cannot be crossed. The one thing I'm going to ask myself tonight is: How much have I been pretending? I will think on this and hope He moulds me to be more honest in my dealings as well. Only then can I become more and more like Jesus.
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends." - 1 Cor 13:4-8