Thoughts, and a heart unveiled
Very thankful my God lifted me out of the gloom, and every time He does so, I pencil in my Bible the Word that was spoken and the date that was the miracle. (:
And it's been a while since I last blogged because of the examinations. The days were filled with much cramming, stress, caffeine, and hair loss (Yes, I realized I was dropping more in the shower than usual!). But its been apparent that I'm much better, although some people don't even have a clue. I'd rather it stay that way!
In any case, this year has been a year of many God-given spiritual breakthroughs, much like a moulting animal, I hope, shedding old skin and putting on the new man. But on the whole, I think I'm learning how I can live the reality of being a new creature. It's been a great ride, for my heart has been unveiling itself ever since the exam period begun, and I'm seeing clearly who I really am and the way I ought to go.
Competing for the sake of competing
I never wanted to admit it, but nurture and nature had given me a selfish competetive spirit from young. I'd always wanted to be the best. In everything, the end-goal was to do well and get into the top schools, do the best in those top schools, excel in my CCA, win awards, get recognized in some way. But because I always tried and kept failing my own lofty expectations, I started to beat myself up about it. The fact of the matter is, I just wasn't good enough to be the best in these top schools. I struggled through my academic years being at the lower end of the grades spectrum in my class, wondering why on earth I had chosen to go to that school. But I think the concept of myself became too small. Instead of living for everything else that really matters in this life, I lived for a cause. And that cause was to excel in school. Only then, I thought, I would be somebody.
So the story goes, I never got to be the cream of the crop. At many points in this journey I wanted to bang my fists against the wall and just grow limp and give up the fight for better grades. Tears of self-pity would well up whenever I got back a test paper that was a borderline pass, or even a fail. I just felt rotten about myself whenever EVERYONE AROUND ME was doing better.
The realization of this insidious, deathly competitive spirit in me only came to me recently. It was a series of events that brought the realization, and conversations from time past- even 4 years ago- that helped me come to terms with what I had become. In JC, I made friends with a teacher-counsellor, Miss T, who gave me these words that I can only make sense of today: "Jean, it seems like you are measuring your worth in terms of how you do in school. You have this innate competitiveness that compares yourself with others all the time."
I didn't believe her at that point in time, adamantly so. I said I felt horrible about myself because I thought I was horrible. But she was right. I was feeling bad about myself in relation to others. It was a relational concept.
But it's only today where I honestly admit that pegging my worth to my academic achievements is not going to get me anywhere. In fact, it will retard my growth as a person and affect my grades even more! Caring too much about getting somewhere may blind me to doing the right things that really help.
But I come back to the line I wrote above, that the concept of myself became too small. I'm ashamed to say that even as a Christian, I conceived myself as a cog stuck in a well-oiled machine in this society, stuck so rigidly in a position which I wanted to wrench myself out of but never really able to do so. I drunk "meritocracy" into my veins, and it became the subconscious sense of what I lived for. Society's mantra is: to make myself worth, I have to be the best. But it isn't true. One just has to try their best, not be the best. That's enough. Simple, but we humans don't ever get it!
Don't mistake me for advocating unambitious passivity. But I address the one who is stuck in a mediocre no-man's land, always striving but failing. A few days ago I sat outside the library at a table in the open air near the LKYSPP, and a man started cleaning the pebbles underneath the tables with a hose and some power-packed spray thing with a disinfecting scent. I was befuddled at how he found meaning in spraying pebbles when he was the only one doing it; how would he assess how well he's done? Then I realized I was being parochial, narrow-minded, and absolutely myopic. Meaning comes from within, not from comparison!
I've made friends with a pretty cleaner in the library and I love the way she pulls back her hair in a bun and the dark blue eyeliner that she wears to accentuate her doe-eyes. I also like her cute shoes! I've seen her clean the stairs and the carpets and busy herself at various points of the day, even though she's new. And I'm happy. If "worth" to most people means the amount of earning power you have, or how well you do in your field, we'd be constantly comparing, competing, fighting inside. And we'd naturally write off people who are truly exceptional, and much better people than people who easily get first class honors in law school, med school, earn a million dollars before the age of 21 or become CEOs of this and that company before 40.
So I've finally dealt with one of the "ghosts" from my past, but I know it may resurface from time to time to haunt me, though with God's help I will look forward, forget the things behind and reach for the things which are before. It was another epiphanic moment, where I could crawl out of the decomposing moulted skin revealing another layer of beautiful new skin (a step in sanctification), and stand before Him, glorying in His grace. I can now say with contentment that I will NOT graduate with first class honours and I probably will not get a second upper, but what I'll take home from law school is understanding a bigger concept of myself. I live not for approval, applause, and GRADES but to worship the One and Only. To worship Him with living my life well- laugh, love everyone I meet, enjoy the fruits of my labour and the blessings from High. And just try my best- I don't need to be the best.
I honestly think that's enough, and I want to take the step further to say that it's enough for you. Keep on doing what you are doing, but enjoy what you already have from the Father. (: It's enough just to be you.