Why?
"Tell me, Father, why is there so much pain and darkness in my soul? Sometimes I find myself saying 'I can't bear it any longer' with the same breath I say 'I am sorry, do with me what you wish.'
As she struggled to continue surrendering to the pervading darkness within her, she had to repeatedly affirm her resolve to move along the way He was tracing for her. Thus the battle continued between the temptation to refuse and the determination to accept. A few weeks later mother Teresa wrote again, 'Pray for me- that I may not refuse God.- It comes to the breaking point & then it does not break.- I wish I could tell or write what I long to tell- but I find no words.'
While immersed in darkness, unable to understand why, tempted to refuse, and under the impression that she could not adequately express what she was going through, mother Teresa made one more strong affirmation of her faith and blind obedience to the will of God."
- Come be my light, mother teresa, edited and with commentary by Brian Kolodiejchuk, MC at 189-190.
Coming face to face with one of the greatest struggles I've had in my inner life, I came across this passage in Come be my light, mother teresa's biography. She had been tormented by an unknown 'darkness', and seemed to be struggling in a tussle between confusion of beliefs and heightened depths of pain, but surrendering, emptying herself for Jesus even more. It is the courage of saints as these that spur me forward, and make me look towards the heavens above more than ever before.
I journalled- Can I do this, Lord? Will you help me to break free? It's too long that I've been living in the bondage of a lot of things- emotions, past hurts, conflicts, insecurities, people themselves. Have caused a lot of people around me to shower me with concern, only to find them not able to understand, not able to empathize, and sometimes shooting me even whilst I'm still wounded. But I appreciate their efforts to reach out in love- many people have been God-sends. (For the record, as many have offered listening ears, prayer, care and wise counsel, many have also wounded, driven to despair, and given hope-dampening discouragements.)
Very often, I'm driven to the point that I ask internally- Must I prove to you that I am worthy of your caring? No, I'm not going to try to. Only God knows truly and only God can help me, though He may use means like the counsel of men and women. But mainly, this purification and union with Him is my journey alone for now. How He brought me to the desert to show me who He is. It's a different walk for each of us, so please do not judge me unlovingly. I'm trying to move forward, I really am- and I will not wallow, by His strength alone.
Look to Jesus, Jean- see only Him, breathe only Him, live only for Him.
"To you I lift up my eyes, O you who are enthroned in the heavens! Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their master, as the eyes of a maidservant to the hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the Lord our God, till He has mercy upon us."- Psalm 123:1-2
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If any of you be in some kind of heaviness, here are some practical ways - adapted from Why do Christians shoot their wounded? by Dwight L. Carlson.
1. Prayer, Obedience and Personal responsibility
- Sin needs to be confessed and forsaken (1 Jn 1:9)
- Learning to apply Scripture to your daily life
2. Have faith in the sufficiency in Christ
3. Seek a caring body of believers
"What's the difference between people and lobsters? Human beings are soft and warm on the outside with a hard skeleton on the inside; lobsters are soft and vulnerable inside but wear a hard shell on the outside. The church needs to be more like people: the skeleton of solid beliefs on the inside, but warm and huggable on the outside. Who needs a church like a lobster0 hard and sharp- even if it is doctrinally 'right'? The crustacean may be safe inside its armor, but no one wants to hug a lobster!"- at 139.
4. Be willing to seek professional help
(If you suspect a biological problem exists)
5. Try to inculcate hope by looking at examples of people who have been healed!
6. Understand the shepherd's tender love for you - Jeremiah 31:3
7. Be encouraged that God will use you for good through your experiences
With that, I close this entry with an extract from a book that has recently warmed my soul and egged me on; hope it does the same for you-
"Our voyage is marked by varied weather. In the midst of dark and threatening clouds, comes a sudden rift- an instant of brilliant sunshine- but we tend not to notice God's smile in those warm moments because we are so busy bailing water out of our boats.
Waves, I am discovering, are part of the journey. We can expect them, identify them, learn how to live with them, and let God use them to teach us. God promises, ' When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up- the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, your Savior' (Isaiah 43:2-3). God says 'through the waters' which means there is the other side. We go through and come out, God is in the business of calming storms, queiting winds, and bringing peace.
As I struggled with both the major turbulences and the minor furors, Christ spoke to my heart from Mark 4 as clearly as he had spoken aloud to those fishermen. 2 truths like giant sea anchors descended to steady my boat. First Christ said, 'Why are you afraid? Don't you know I have the power to calm the storms?' Then he said clearly and powerfully, 'You are safe with me, anywhere, in every circumstance. My child, you are just as safe in the turbulences before I speak 'Peace' to the waves as you are afterwards because I am with you in the boat.'
God takes us through just the right combination of waves, storms, and sunshine for each individual to learn about him. He teaches us through our delights and deliverances as well as through our tears and tempests.
I don't have to live in fear of the storms, whether a tidal wave threatens or many smaller waves are constantly rocking my boat. Christ is in control of everything- all the circumstances in my life- and he is also the captain of my boat."- Lord of my rocking boat, Carole Mayhall, at pages 10-11.
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